Fragrance: he wished it rained
by 7x7chan
Summary: BOOK 5 SPOILER! Remus Lupin finds himself lost and completely useless after Sirius' death. fic based on the song 'Fragrance' by Gackt.


Fragrance  
  
song: fragrance - Gackt  
  
Remus sighed. it was a deep sigh, trying to release the pain and the heavy feelings from the man's shoulders. He was teared down. Miserable. Forever lost. His amber eyes focused on the far away night sky, trying to find his star. Trying to find his Sirius. Unable to succeed, he sat down in the damp grass, staring over the lake. Here was the place where eveything had begun. This had been his beginning. Their beginning. And his confusion. For so long he had tried to deny and now he wished he had never. All the time they could've spent more,... and now he was alone. And lost. He had so many questions and yet, he couldn't ask them. Not to the person he wanted to ask them to. He wished it rained, like it did on the day they met.  
  
*Unable to detect even my own destination, with a slender thread I gradually draw back to myself the memories which were fading into the wind*  
  
The soft breeze playing with his hair was getting annoying. The ever glowing moon was his worst fear and the darkness of the night tried to hide him. Hide him from the world. The cruel world. Once, he had loved the world. Now he forsake it. He cursed it. And he would do anything to avoid it. But he still hated the night.  
  
The loss of his closest and dearest friend, lover and partner had crushed his heart. Had blocked his mind. No day would pass without a night. Back in the days, passing a night was easy, almost fun. Nowadays he had to keep himself in control from going crazy. Back in the days he hadn't been alone. Now he was, although he always tried to deny it, on his own.  
  
His heart was dead. His love was gone. The only thing left were questions. Screaming from inside him, needing answers, needing theories. But there was not answer but Sirius. There was not theory but Sirius. There was only Sirius. There had only been Sirius,...  
  
But now he was on his own. Without Sirius. There was no Sirius anymore. so there was no such thing as an answer. He hated life. He hated answerless life. He hated Sirius-less life,...  
  
*When I listened close to the restless voice of my heart, "why on earth was I ever born?" was what it asked*  
  
There was no reason to life anymore.  
  
He looked up at the moon. It wasn't full, for god's sake, if that had to accompany his mood today! He hated the sight. He had looked at it so many times. And yet, it never changed. It remained the same. Forever. Endlessly. Once, he had though everyting that was lucky and loving would remain. That happy feelings wouldn't die. Well they did.  
  
But the moon always stayed. He now realised that curses only stayed. Happiness faded, but sadness stayed forever. It was marked in his soul. Curved into it with a knife. It was more horrible than dying, that he knew for sure. He knew, tomorrow, it was that time of the month again. The time of the month he would change into one of his worst fears.  
  
His other personality.  
  
Oh, and how he screamed and yelled at the moon. Shouting questions, screaming and craving for answers. But never, not even once, had he found answers. Because his answer was dead. He wished it rained, like it did on the day they met.  
  
*Unchanging, the moon gazes down upon me but it has never yet granted me a reply*  
  
He stood up, whiping away the countless tears of his face. Was it okay for him to cry? A grown-up man? He didn't know, nor cared. He had to grief. He had to give his sorrow life. The only way it had a meaning was by showing it. And question it. All he needed was one simple answer. To all of his questions. All he needed was to hear a voice,.. his voice,.. the voice of his Sirius.  
  
He needed it. He needed to be guided. He couldn't be alone. He just couldn't be. His whole existance had been for that man, and now,.... tears came spilling again. He was weak. He knew he was weak, so easy to control. And tomorrow night would be his last. He knew. He would end it.  
  
Remus dropped to his knees, crying. Was there no more to live for? Was there nothing? He needed answers,..  
  
*Let me hear your voice, I beg of you*  
  
Was there no way to go? No dream to follow? No mission to succeed? No goal to reach? All he needed was answers,...  
  
*Let me see your dream, I beg of you*  
  
He calmed down. His breath turned back to normal. It wasn't fear. It wasn't fear that was controlling him. It was pain...  
  
*For even if we should fall into that unending sleep, there is nothing to fear...*  
  
but was there really nothing to fear? Was death just another great challenge? He wanted to know. He really needed to know. He wished it rained, like it did on the day they met.  
  
*Tell me the truth, I beg of you*  
  
The questions made space for another question. Why him? What had Sirius ever done that was so sinfull he had to die? Hadn't he made himself a hero? A savior? In Remus' eyes Sirius was everything. But what had he done to deserve death?  
  
*Explain to me your sins, I beg of you*  
  
Once again tears welled up. Endless. His life would be overshadowed by pain. Forever.  
  
*The crimson tears which keep overflowing have hidden away this face of mine*  
  
The next evening, the next night, he transformed into the beast again. Every emotion inside of him, every sadness became anger. Pure anger.  
  
*Even simple tenderness has grown to be more than I can bear*  
  
The only thing he knew for sure at that point was that he was going to see Sirius again. Real soon. He couldn't remember how, why or when it happened, but death entered him quickly. And succesull.  
  
*In such a state as this, I cannot remember even so slight a thing as the name I once held, and yet there is still nothing I can do to resolve it all...*  
  
the naked, lifeless body of a man lies in front of a lake. The moon is still glowing, the night is still hiding it.  
  
Softly, the rain begins to fall.  
  
*Unchanging, the moon still lets the rain keep falling so quietly...* 


End file.
